Listless, What Else?
I never understood the importance of best-of lists appearing everywhere this time of year. Somehow they never seem to change (the best top zillion song of all time, Bohemian Rhapsody, sigh...), or I am clueless about the importance of it all, feeling 'did I miss something essential?' stupid. I am not, or shall I say, don't want to be reminded. So, no best of thingy for me, just the ten latest songs i did play/shuffled this hour thinking of this 'Change' promise (resolution?) - Still no inspiration though, but the soundtrack is ok so far, sublime in fact.
Funny, you almost would think I want of be part of it. Ah well...
Happy holidays.
ps. You might have noticed that new blue 'go to top' button to the right, it's new! Everything will be fine after all, uhu. All to your convenience. My pleasure.
Trophies
Slave To The Wage
Oh the tragedy, all it takes is one little decision and then, quelle surprise, you're stuck. So yeah I made the final leap, jumped the bandwagon, reached the bottom of my wallet, whatever mistakes you can make when you spend too much time daydreaming till it hits you, mondaymorning, 8 o'clock sharp, this guy is in working boots again, steel nose diving (yip new sturdy shoes too!) in the dready world of temp job work. Gosh, what took me so long?
Well, there is no one to blame then myself. I was stupid, a fact. Stupid, broke, stuck. Hail our glasses!
Cup Noodles Revisited
"The noodle isn't just a meal. It's a steaming hot celebration of texture and flavor. We understand the noodle better than anyone. With Top Ramen and Cup Noodles, we taught an entire generation that quality ramen noodle soup is never more than three minutes away." (Nissin Food Products Co).
Hear hear, as I slurp away another spoonful of chicken ramen.
Funny, I was never a fan of instant noodles. My college years poverty-food was always a endless row of stale cheese sandwiches or occasionally, when craving for decent dinner stuff, a frozen 'saté' I heated in the watercooker (Do Not Cook!). And later when traveling, and still on a budget, I always went for at least something freshly cooked, cut or chopped by street stall ladies, that without exception had that warm but tired smile of a grandma managing the grandkids to empty there plate full of veggies.
I guess it was the instant in the noodle always that ticked me of, putting it high in the order of crappy mystery food, just under tv-dinners and Jell-O pudding. Also, it was, hey still is, convenient food. And at a certain age you just don't want to be associated with anything remotely convenient. Nah, you want the raw thing, to kick ass, so shove that future astronaut food your parents presented as the killer invention. I know for todays teenage kids that may sound a bit crazy ("duuuuh?), but really there was a whole generation that spat on anything plasticy like corporate fast food. McDonalds, same thing, a big no no; better starve then to be seen there. Amazing eh?
But nowadays, I can't seem to get enough of it.
Why? I like to think it has something to do with the death early this year of Mr Noodle himself, Mr Momofuku Ando (安藤百福). And as things go, global fame peaks when a fresh corpse is involved. So reading his obituary and the numerous web articles that followed, a unique personal story got unfolded and in my subconscious I likely realized eating another cup makes me part of history; that this is not just some snack, no, this is post war heroism melting in my mouth.
Ah well, perhaps the reason is more down to earth, lesser psycho history deep. That this munching just triggers memories of gone airplane-rides. Yeah, that midnight cup you collect in a bumpy Chinese Airlines 747, sent back to your chair with the biggest of stewardess smiles: "You're welcome sir." Nowhere does a cup noodles taste better then in the dark at 10 k height.
From mystery food to memory food, gosh, my life has took a strange turn.
The Words We Say
Ah while ago there was a (partial) interview with me published on this site. It was part of the FAQ remember? I removed it, for esthetic reasons, or just, i dunno, because I could...
But as things go, it got a life on itself. Nothing new or shattering, our oral tradition is just not what it used to be. Once a skill, memorizing and retelling into it's tiny details an effort well appreciated, in 07 though the only thing we are capable of goes seldom beyond it's oral evil stepsister, gossip.
So yeah, I heard some crazy things about me, someone heard this and that from someone who read something, and so and so. Little bugs that turned into little monsters. Cool. Nothing I could not live with, but then, as an unexpected moodchange, I started to hear also how funny I was. Funny!!
Procrastination
Ok, ok, the last 10 minutes I was all zen but sure wasting my time with this kind cute but pointless music-paint site, but no it's not true I spent all my time surfing the days away. Really, necessities aside, there are other ways I kill this uhm... reluctancy to have a good look around in this local world (and by that I mean, here not there, anywhere), cause well, ok it sucks big time but I absolutely, for example sake, adore the little sparrows, blackbirds and starlings (for some reason i dislike that fat pigeon) frenzy in my backyard. For the last weeks I am feeding them high fiber bread crumbs (only one day old, so not mouldy at all my dear pet friends) and today my favorite couple, the sparrow family that is living in the gutter just left of my bedroom, started hopping round my feet even before I finished my cigarette, chirping and jumping in the latest craze. They were lucky, the ciga didn't taste at all (do they ever?), my mood was one of cheerful acceptance (just awake and the weather needed only one layer of fabric, lush jeans an a T-shirt, to keep me in shape), and yes i had a slice of pumpkinseed bread ready. Aha.
And then later on I read this: 10 simple ways to save yourself from messing up your life. It's a lotta blah but I quite enjoyed the last point of the list: 'Don’t worry about about your personality. You don’t really have one'.
Life is bliss.
The Garden
© CZ 2007
Once again the quiet heat of a 'new april' garden. I have set two simple goals. There are books to be read - The Burning by Thomas Legendre, Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami - and there is skin to be burned. Both can be done at the same time and I love the synergy of it: cuddled up in physical as mental warmth. Smarter and smoother, it sounds like an ad for the easy approach and, well, I am not planning to zap away from this one.
*ps. The smell of my deckchair, a mix of cushioned dusty sun and woody dried winterrain, occasionaly overruled by a breeze of fresh laundry, made me a bit nostalgic but i could handle it with a couple of sigarets (no oldtime nicotine memories yet, though the smell of burning grass accidently set in fire by a careless sway of a tub triggered some real vivid ones), so... anyway, a perfect day.
Accidental Babies
Indecision
"Other people might feel I stayed the same from place to place; but to myself I always seemed totally steeped in my environment, or dyed in local color, and now because in transit I felt suffused with utter nowhereness, and therefor like i might turn out to be anyone."
Anyway, this is what Dwight Wilmerding, the 28-year-old protagonist of Benjamin Kunkel's latest novel 'Indecision', thinks just before he lands in Ecuador, a visit started with the flip of a coin. And no I am not going into the story itself, you can read a review here or here or here, but i might as well tell you i enjoyed the book, well, as books do that make me smile and fill me head with thoughts at the same time; not brilliant insights but you know, a little sizzle of recognition, a sullen nod of approval, knowing a bit more and less at the same time, that sweet sensation -hurrah- which doesn't feel as a complete waste of time ― but i am digressing..
So Dwight suffers from abulia ― an inability to make decisions. He has an amazing capacity for resisting change or growth. Sounds familiar?
"Everyone always moves so insouciantly into the future, one foot in front of the next, that it seems as if they've already been there and liked it enough to go back for more. Only their total confidence permits me to follow without undue terror."
He lives the impasse with charming carelessness, though knows he is living a cliché. A 'not even a fresh cliché' as his girlfriend so sweetly points out.
"I knew she was right. It wasn't very unusual for me to lie awake at night feeling like a scrap of sociology blown into its designated corner of the world. But knowing the clichés doesn't help you to escape them. You still have to go on experiencing your experience as if no one else has ever done it."
Excellent! Literature booming through your thoughts, brooming ones dusty brain. And ok, i know, do i need a book, also a hyped one, to tell me this? Duh, nah... The uncanny similarities between Dwight and me, i dunno, its funny, or as we all know fiction is just mimicking live in a sorta gentler way, and does a horoscope not reflect some facts too; in the end i have no idea how or what, the comfort-zone of lazy sunday afternoons, thoughts bubbling towards blue skies, watching i awe..
Well, guess I decide when i finish my second read, ok?
Green UFO
Spring is in the air. Really. The compass of the sun has finally gained that magnetic pulse, that Captain Sparrow momentum that makes birds fly and knobs knot. It's there, reluctantly, premature, kinda annoyed even -yes maybe that too, freak weather not the nicest of personal titles- but winter really never got a hold this year so yeah, why would it start bothering now? Defeat should be taken with a little shrug. A tiny smile with snow white teeth. So yeah, Britney got a clean shave (and no I am not going into that) and I did got a new pair of working jeans. Change is cool. And whatever sense of urge, "see me falling" or "see me rise", i wonder, is there always more to it then what meets the eye? Can't i just take it for granted?
Spring is in the air. Really.
*edit: Wot ya say?? Really.
Judgement
It is a sunny day after all.
Gosh..
Bonsai Rainforrest
Endowed in my morning rituals of hot coffee and cigarettes (ah the wonderful world of perpetual demand : coffee to sooth a throbbing throat, which makes me yearn for a smoke, which hurts my...etc etc) so yeah, sipping/coughing, my twin mood, I sorta realized, well gosh, yes, oh dear... I am so exemplary for the mess we're all in.
Anyway i was reading about the flooding in Djakarta, Indonesia, and in a smaller article about the near depletion of the rainforrest in Sumatra and Borneo, and as the mind goes when confronted with things too big to handle, it cuts it down to tiny personal visuals and words, or well, suddenly i was thinking about Soylent Green I saw as a kid, especially that scene where Charles Heston visits this dome under gloomy skies, where the last living tree was standing. And then somehow, maybe because it was a rich guy who had that tree and maybe cause today our new government presented their plans for the future, I thought of Bonsai trees, free Bonsai Trees for everyone, with just one obligation: Keep it alive. I already could see the slogans: Nurture a bit of Nature.
Bonsai, dont you love it already, dont you love the ring of it? Bonsai..
And then I found this picture (see above) and lost direction and went like this:
1. In the eighties I had a haircut like that (tree), a less profiled one now (the guy).
2. According to Wikipedia 'a bonsai is not a genetically dwarfed plant. It is any tree or shrub species actively growing but kept small through a combination of pot confinement, and crown and root pruning', and thus there is still hope for me I guess, escaping this little contained and hairless life.
3. Also contemplated that Bonsai sounds really like Banzai, that Japanese battle cry during the war (II) before storming into a certain death, suicidal in their adoration for their emperor. The Japanese lost, sure deal.
Hmmm... why do I make everything so personal?
One...
Return Of The Dead
Summer Autumn
The start of autumn is a summer day. Whats happening with the world? Jeez....I'm rejuvenating my tan in a sunny yard instead of crawling in some dark corner, drizzle outside and in me head, its insane. I'ts never meant to be this boy contented this time of year. There will be a counterstrike soon. There must be. Anyway. Back to the past this weekend. They promise some rain too...
Empty Box
I didn't do anything remarkably today. Thinking of all my life saving plans I should be worried, but I am not. It was a beautiful sunny day, the first in weeks, so why not spent it in leisure? My shorts still did fit well. My skin needed that extra pigment boost. The breeze in me backyard was lush with a hint of Bangkok (thanks to my neighbours, prime collectors of garbage). It was nice to see my toes again, and trim them, indeed, under clear blue skies. Bliss. But over a glass of wine, well, tranquility me be nice, failure may be a good lesson, but time is running out. Soon I will be a kinda drone again, wishing I took more effort at times as these, plentiful and promissing. Duh me.
Always New Depths
"If it ain't broke, it can't be fixed".Anyway, it was a nice day. Progress, no progress - it's not half as bad as it sounds. Didn't I say 'almost'? So almost is another week away, or always finding new excuses, when I got me a new musical input device (brainwasher in a good sense), a flashy, updated Apple Nano. Next tuesday they say.
When Autumn Arrives...
So September did make it again. Ok, it's almost time to move on, get a clean shave, put on a nice tee, perfecting that corporate smile that will bring me back into 'a thou shall work' society. For now I won't settle for anything more then a temp job, a steady job still out of the question.
I need the money, yes, but no, I am not that willing, not that desperate to sacrifice what I am doing best. The idea is still there: work (as in a dreary job) as little as possible, have a good life nevertheless, well, because of that. It will be tough enough, the alarmclock settings, that early cup of coffee over a quick smoke, that pace in chains towards a 5 o'clock relief.
It shouldn't be but here I go. Meh.
A Smoke?
Nothing is really happening. Anyway the weather is not that bad, I am working on a total re-design (again, yes...) of this site, and plan to start working on a nxt one, the one that maybe will bring in some money, and yeah, already making plans for my nxt trip to warmer climates. So, yes, I am busy. 
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